my shukaku

To understand ones self, it's an incredible feeling but at the same time, it can scare you, send you retreating from the truth. Eh, I can't retreat, not when everything from the puzzle finally is pieced together. After all these years, I finally understand myself, even if my memory is erased.

Eh, fangirl moment, you could call it but on to it- What I realized finally is something called absolute defense. In a way, its like Gaara and Shukaku, the one-tailed demon that is sealed inside him. Well, I don't have a demon inside me, I don't think I do, but I do have something close to what Shukaku does for Gaara. You see, Shukaku has an ability to generate an instinctive shield of sand that will automatically protect Gaara from physical harm, and the only way to break threw it would be the chidori like Sasuke did, or become faster then the sand, as Sasuke and Rock Lee both did. Well, I have my own little raccoon dog inside of me, but I don't have sand protect me, I have something invisible and undetected by anyone. It's name, I can't come up with it, but time will tell me it soon enough.

My absolute defense protects me from mental, and emotional harm. It only protects the physical harm I would wish to inflict upon myself, so I could no longer do that, and believe me I'm thankful for that. It helped me overcome that mistake in my life, and will not let me do such harm again. Well, Gaara's has a weakness, as I said so above, but my weakness, I have no idea what it is yet. The mental and emotional harm it protects me from is what I felt myself endure my freshman and sophomore year of high-school. I can not remember much, but I do know I went through hell.

My mother filled me in with some details about it, that I will state once more- I did not remember. Towards the end of my sophomore year, in February, I dyed my hair a dark brown color. The last day I ever went to youth group, my mom talked to Patrick, as she says so. “She cares about you.” My mother told me she said, and he said he knew. My mom wasn't convinced and told him, “No, you don't.” And I can guess, he never knew how much I cared for, and loved him. Should of told him? Eh? That's pointless now. Another thing, which I find funny know. Apparently my mom told Tiffany at that time, whom was my best friend, to not leave me, I needed her the most right now. Guess what? That's right, you guessed it right- she left me. Why did I even forgive her? I can imagine she added even more misery to that part of my life, and probably led me down further into my depression. I lost Patrick, Tiffany, Jon, Curt, Erica and Shannon... all within that year. Those people were the closest to me that year. To endure that, I am seriously surprised I wasn't dead, for when I use to get hurt, I was able to with stand it, but that, it threw me off my path. That time, I was unable to even come back to the old person I was.

An answer to why I hurt me as bad as it did, when I lost Patrick was simply put as the relationship itself was complex, and far beyond our years. It was one for adults, and yet we were 15-16 years old. At that time, kids didn't fall in love like adults did, like now a days how people think at age 14, you can experience love and know you want to stay with that person forever. No. That time, it was far to mature, far to adult for us.

You know, I do wonder if it really was that far beyond my years, if deep down without me knowing it. Those parts of my past, its kind of foggy to me. To dig deep into it, I can't recall things because they just aren't there. Is my absolute defense doing this? Could it be possible, that my own mind knows the pain, down to the last detail that it would fog over certain events or things just to protect myself before I could dig that memory back up. There is a second me, I believe- Like if before something would happen, a second me would take over and wouldn't allow that certain thing to happen. It's forcing me away from getting close to anything it believed could destroy me again. Before it ever wants that to happen again, it will create a reaction that would turn me into something real quick, so I know what that feeling was like again, so I couldn't even touch or get close to it. My defense would kick in, the invisible shield would protect me.

My mom thinks over time, that I'll let it go. I, truth be told, honestly do not believe I'll ever get rid of it. It's something far to complex now that built up over the years and it won't leave now. Not unless another new pain comes into my mind, and that wouldn't happen. Does it make me happy or sad? It's a neutral feeling, one I can be happy about, but yet scared about. I won't ever feel the pain I felt losing those people, losing the most important person in my life, but then again, it might never let me get close to anything. It will built, and built- I guess a hermit could become myself. Where does it start, and where does it end? I have no idea.

If I can know all of this, I finally am able to understand a reason why I act some ways. For example, I was with friends, when he came to that place. What did I turn into? A mute, I shut the world away, and became nothing more then a breathing soul. It's hard to let go of that part of my past, and even when he is near me, my defense will kick in. My absolute protection of my mind, it shields myself from becoming fine around him. It will not let me near him, to even befriend him again. My own mind will change me, it will protect me from that person. But why, why just Patrick? Not Erica, not the backstabbing cunt, that I honestly can say I hate, it's not even close to dislike, it's far beyond that. She is a manipulative bitch, and yet only a few people now that. Why did it let her come close to me? Why? Why did it let Tiffany back in? All she ever does it cause pain, all she ever does it make me feel worthless. It goes unanswered, and with time, it might tell me.

Maybe I can come up with my own answer. Patrick didn't know, well realized how deeply I cared for him. Maybe they did, even when Tiffany turned away when I needed her most, she still came back to me. Was she scared? Heck, I would be, but I'm not stupid, and I know when one falls, they need help- was she that stupid? Why did I forgive her? It still surprising me that I did.

But now a days, I can't forgive, or forget, those two words linger in my mind and sink deeper into my mental state and protect me. There is another kick to my defense, that now deep down, it refuses to let anyone who has hurt me be forgiven. It's a scary thought, but maybe its for the best. Everyone seems to try and ruin my life, so the defense is something I need. I might just go insane without it, maybe with it protecting me. Who knows? I can't predict the future. I can only live in the present, and dream of my past.. the small pieces that I do remember. (that is)

I can no longer go back to my old self,
I'll become vulnerable.